Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
