I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
