I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am mentally ready for anal.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
