The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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