i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
