thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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