We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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