i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
