ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
