She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If I die, sorry about rent.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
