Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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