why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
