why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Found your dick twin last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
