Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
