Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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