No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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