I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
