So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
