I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
