i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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