1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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