i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
