I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
