He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
