i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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