I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
