Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
