I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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