I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
