I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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