Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
