She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
