Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
