Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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