So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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