woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
