this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
