Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
