we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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