We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
