If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
