It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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