My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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