i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
no, he came in my armpit
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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