I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
