just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
