i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
