Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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