I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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