Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
